I have recently moved to Costa Rica where I get to be the guest liaison at one of the most incredible Eco Retreat Centers one could ever imagine.. yep. I work and play at Danyasa — the retreat center my mentor Sofiah Thom and Brenden J own. These two are a bad ass couple and incredible humans who I am so fortunate to get to know and suppor
The whole story on how I got here is quite incredible actually. Pure synchronicity magic, if you ask me, and although that is a story for another time — just trust that how I got here was, and forever will be, one for the books.
I just sat in a ceremony – YOPO (incase you want to look it up) and this phrase kept running through my mind: “There’s always the most terror right before some of the best things in my life.”
Which is true. Now, I wonder if this is a constant thing for me.. and although it is — I realize that once you move through the fear once or twice it gets easier. The experiences I’ve been having lately though are brand new, so the fear has been potent and each time I surrender into the fear and move through it instead of backing down — well, I am changed.
Oh yea, sexual healing and being terrified. HA! So – My father, who has never left the country, has just gotten down to Costa Rica to visit me. He is staying for 2 weeks. I was terrified upon his arrival. I was so afraid of being embarrassed by him or that he would not accept my lifestyle..
Wow was I wrong! Everyone loves having him here. It is great getting to know him in this new way and to see him shining his bright light. He started practicing yoga and became a teacher — he gives me credit for inspiring him. 🙂 He also mentions daily how yoga changed his life and made him a better person! It brings the happiest of tears to my eyes.
When he first arrived I could hardly introduce him to new people — now he has friends from all over the globe he can go visit.. and after his first night sleeping we decided to walk to the beach.
I am all about very intentional interactions so we sat by this beautiful fallen tree and I spoke a prayer. I prayed for our highest healing, for our families healing, for our time together to be profound and uplifting.. and after my eloquent words sang from my lips (both of us crying by now after me calling in our ancestors and my passed grandma – his mama) he also asked to pray. He prayed for all of the family. It is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen and I love getting to witness how similar this man and I seemingly are. (Outwardly, not so much.. but he is so COOL!)
We definitely had a challenging day on my birthday. I wanted some one on one time and yet needed to prepare for a birthday ceremony later in the evening. Even through my dramatic tears and anger he held space and let me feel freely.
I suppose I was worried I would have to baby sit my dad, but he has gone off on more adventures than even I have yet! It’s really fantastic. Plus, we text and check in. It’s beautiful to hear about where he is in life and how he is feeling about dating, my mom, and my brother.
I caught him walking on the beach one day praying for everyone in the family. It is how he starts each day.
Now — why this is all so powerful for me is because growing up my father wasn’t really present. My parents fought hard, like they were fighting to the death. It was so challenging for my dad, who worked all day, to come home and be around my mom that he would just sit in the basement and watch t.v. I’ve forgiven my childhood. I honestly feel like I am such an observant and peaceful person because I had to witness some of the worst and painful community/family gatherings, and what that gave me was a deep passion for zen. What’s beyond that though, is that I always wondered what my parents were like outside of the painful relationship.
And thats what I am getting with my dad right now. He shows up and is doing so much work. He is letting yoga change his life. I suppose he is choosing to practice yoga and that it is changing his life! He is more compassionate and caring than I have ever known him to be.
Here’s the kicker.
I always attracted men that reminded me of my father. Some were despondent. Some were only in it for the sex. Some were barely there or didn’t care..
Now though, after spending time with my dad and seeing how much healing he is doing, how sad he feels about the past and how he totally takes responsibility for his actions.. well, I’m ready to attract a man like my dad.
This is really vulnerable to share and I’m yet I am finally ready. There was this story growing up my mom would tell me. Not a fairytale story, rather a story of how she used sex to get what she wanted.. She would tell me all about how my father used her and only wanted one thing.. Sex. I remember hearing this story for a very long time in my youth. So much so, that it started to shape the way I saw men and I really wasn’t happy with it.
This morning my dad just showed up right as I was taking the dog for a walk… Magic. We decided to walk along the levy and I asked my dad about his new girlfriend.
“So, dad, did you and your new girlfriend make love and then fall in love, or did you have sex and then you started dating.”
My dad answered,
“We haven’t had sex. Anyone can love someone after they have sex with them, but if you really want to love someone you got to get to know their heart.”
The conversation quickly shifted towards a new swim suit he is buying and I rounded up the pup as we walked back towards the retreat center to prepare for morning yoga.
The day goes by and I don’t see much of him because I’m massaging clients and preparing for my first international cacao ceremony..
So— I’m about to get on a global mentorship webinar call with my mentor Sofiah and women from all over the world to discuss yoni eggs and womb/sexual healing..
There is simultaneously a women’s empowerment through pleasure workhop going on in the Bamboo Studio..
And I’m getting some tasks done around the retreat center when I knock on PaPa Dave’s door (that’s what my niece Charlie calls him and it is the best) — granted I am just around to see if we need new curtain rods and drop off his new room’s key; I notice Dave’s on the back porch so I go out and sit with him.
All the sudden Dave asks me about the question from this morning wondering what brought it up.
“Ok, wow” I remember thinking, “He’s held onto this.”
Epic. I’m ready to be real and raw with this man. I’ve been studying sacred sexuality, yoga, and tantra for years healing the ancestral wounds, family wounds, and deep religious beliefs that were imprinted on me while I was younger.
So I took a deep breath and I shared from my heart.
I told him how I was entering a stage of my life where I was ready to date again. I was ready to date again and mean it wit someone — mean it, aka, build a life. I mentioned how sad I’d been from my pervious break-up years ago because I really wanted to marry and have children with that man.. and how I was ready to move on and wondered how Love happened for a man, and not just any man.. but for my father.
I shared about being a sexually sovereign and empowered woman. I shared about healing my old beliefs from being forced to go to church. I shared and I cried and he held space
At first he was confused that my being sexually empowered and sovereign meant that I wanted to have sex with whomever I wanted, but I told him I wanted a man to love me first – to see me and to love me before having sex so that I felt safe to open to him. Hearing how my dad has been dating and is loving this new women is incredible. And they’ve never had sex.
Which reminds me that I do not need to have sex with anyone to prove my worth.
Today I learned from my father that the man that will sped the rest of my life with me will love my heart and our first, and all the physical intimacy will come later. He even said that to really know someone’s heart is much more intimate than to have sex with them. I’m still tearing up over here!
I’m just floored by his dedication to himself — and I’m so proud of myself for inviting him here. I had to really move through a lot of fear and it is so clearly worth it. The healing that I had invisioned and created a container for is happening. I am being met by my father and it is inspiring me and teaching me how worthy I am of being met by all men. It is raw and vulnerable — terrifying and beautiful.
At then end of our conversation he reminded me that Love is choice everyday.
I choose love today. I’m so grateful for all the healing and I’m so excited to see what this man’s life looks like in another few years. I feel like this process has healed us both and hopefully you get something from it, too.